How to Talk to your Wife about Male Anal Play

Talking to your spouse about new ideas for the bedroom (or wherever you like to get down) can be a nerve-wracking experience-especially if you’re a man who wants to discuss anal play with his wife for the first time. There are a lot of taboos surrounding men in straight relationships who like butt stuff, all of which are socially-imposed and absolutely preposterous. Unfortunately, these unfounded taboos make being ourselves and exploring our sexuality to its fullest quite difficult. Men who feel that they will be shamed for their kinks and curiosities are not as likely to open up with their wives about them. There is nothing good about this. After all, if there is one person on the planet who should listen to you when you discuss your desires, it is your spouse.

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Many husbands fear a negative reaction from their wives if they bring up the subject, especially if their sex life has remained within the realm of “vanilla” up until then-or if there has been no talk of the butt before. Surprised reactions are certainly common, but to any men reading this: your wife is likely to be more receptive to the idea than you’d have thought.

There are certain steps that you can take to introduce this kind of play into your bedroom, and it all starts with frank and open communication.

First, explain what’s on your mind.

Anal play consists of a wide variety of acts, pretty much any act that involves the anus. Rimming, fingering and penetration by toys or strap-ons all falls under the umbrella of “anal play.” If there is one particular act that has come across your mind the most, be specific when sitting down to talk with your wife. Talk about things like:

  • What sparked your curiosity, if you can pinpoint the reason?
  • Which particular anal play acts intrigue you?
  • Personal boundaries-both your own and your spouse’s.

We urge you not to try and have this conversation during sex. The best time to discuss something as potentially awkward or uncomfortable as this is when you and your wife are not in the throes of lovemaking and both of you have the time to sit down and have a detailed, honest conversation with one another. If your wife has never expressed any interest in this sort of thing before, then trying to spring the conversation up on her during sex or foreplay could be a tremendous turn-off.

Here are some phrases that you can try, if you’re struggling to figure out how to bring up the subject:

“Lately I have been fantasizing about anal play, and I would like to bring that fantasy into reality with you.”

“I would really like to try anal play, and I was wondering what you think about it.”

“Have you ever thought about trying anal play? Because I have, and I want to talk with you about it.”

This doesn’t have to be some solemn and super-serious conversation, but you should give your wife plenty of time within the conversation to speak her mind. How this chat goes differs from couple to couple, so we can’t say how it will work out for you and your wife. However, we can guarantee that if you approach the subject with consideration, patience and a good sense of humor, it’s going to go over much better than if you don’t.

Don’t pressure her

Your wife may respond immediately with an enthusiastic “Let’s do it!” but she might not. A lot of people need time to think it over, especially if they have had traumatic experiences in the past or if they have never experimented with anal play before in any capacity. You shouldn’t expect or (even worse) demand a response immediately, as that shows a sincere lacking in consideration for your wife’s feelings and personal boundaries. Besides that, she is a lot more likely to want to experiment with a husband who is patient, understanding and kind rather than a husband who simply doesn’t seem to care.

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If your wife does say yes to delve into the unknown, she still might have reservations or concerns about it. As much as this is about your own sexual fulfillment, it is equally important that your wife feel comfortable as you proceed with further talk or action.

Talk about the dos and don’ts

A lot of people are hesitant or even afraid to try anal play because they don’t know how to go about doing it safely. They might be worried about accidentally injuring you or causing you undesired pain. Fortunately, there are many online resources (like our website) available to help guide you and your partner through this new adventure with both safety and sexiness.

If you have been considering discussing anal play with your wife for a while, chances are you’ve already done a bit of research. The internet is a fantastic source for pretty much any information, and you might have a few bookmarked pages that would be worth showing to your wife.

There is this longstanding myth that anal play of any kind has to be this inherently painful experience. It doesn’t, as long as you go about things in the right way. Nobody is born knowing how to safely engage in anal sex, so there’s no shame in doing some additional research for safety’s sake. In fact, it might even be a bonding experience for you and your wife as you navigate the information that’s out there.

Demystifying the reality of anal play will make it seem less taboo or even “strange” to anyone who hasn’t given it much thought before.

If they say “yes, please!”

Great, your wife has said yes! That’s awesome, as the two of you are about to embark on an exciting new sexual adventure together. Few things reignite that familiar old “spark” quite like trying something new with the person that you love. Even though you have likely already talked a great deal, there are still some points that you should address with your wife before proceeding, like:

  • What does she hope to get out of it?
  • Is she interested in using anal toys? If so, what kind? Perhaps a trip to the local sex shop is in order, so that you both can see what kind of toys are on the market.
  • Is there anything about anal play that she is exceptionally curious about?

Remember: This experience is as much about your wife as it is about you. Both of your feelings and desires matter here, and nobody should feel that theirs are being neglected. Just because she’s consented with moving on to experiment with you in this way doesn’t mean that she’s down for everything that you have in mind. You should both be able to express what you’d like to try, as well as where your individual boundaries lay.

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Be detailed about what you would like to try. This will help you avoid unpleasant or even painful surprises.

If they say “no, thanks.”

No matter how well you phrase your curiosity or how much research you do with your wife, she might still end up saying “No, I am just not comfortable with this.” It is important that you accept the rejection with grace, even though you might be disappointed. Trying to make her change her mind or berating her for not being willing to accommodate your desires is likely to do significantly more harm than good, and can even turn your relationship into a train wreck.

Down the line, you might feel inclined to bring the subject up again, and that is fine. Peoples’ preferences and kinks can change over time, and it doesn’t hurt to gauge your wife’s current standing on these things. However, if she’s giving you a hard “no,” meaning that there is no freaking way it’s happening, do not push it. If she changes her mind, she’ll let you know.

Enthusiastic consent and open communication are key to any sexual experience going over well. If your wife’s reaction isn’t one of enthusiasm but more of a “I don’t really want to, but I guess I’ll go along with it” kind of thing, it is worth taking some extra time to explore what makes them so apprehensive about it before giving things a try. All sex acts-anal or otherwise-are performed at their best between consenting partners who are sincerely into it.

In conclusion:

  • Be open, honest and sincere when discussing your desires with your spouse.
  • Be receptive to your wife’s reactions, questions and concerns.
  • Do not pressure your spouse, try to make them change their mind, or surprise them with anal play during sex.
  • Never underestimate the importance of enthusiastic consent.
  • There is no such thing as “too much research” when it comes to safely exploring anal play.

We hope that the information above will help you to best approach the subject with your wife, with minimal awkwardness or embarrassment. Happy exploring!

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